His patients into my pain...

So last night my boyfriend (who I'm on break with) and I were talking last night, like we always do until 12:00. I completely forgot how but the topic of us being single and seeing other people came up.... (Note to self: bad thing if your in-love). I knew it was a jealous trick and to see if I really cared about him and if i would do anything but i didnt exactly pick that up until after we got off the phone....
Now i remember how it came about. We were arguing about who wore the pants in our relationship or atleast who did. All i know is that i'm a very dominate female and i got that from my mother. Its what i grew up with. So he asked me how could he prove to me that he ran everything and he was the one who wore the pants, funny! I told him I wanted him to go to a party and do what single guys do; the basic dancing, grinding, and kissing on some other girl in a dark corner while thier trying to have sex with thier clothes on. I told him he can do all this and tell me about it, and if i sit thier and take it then yes he runs it. If i dont he can just make me listen to him, right? Then he decided he wanted to change his mind...its interesting that came to him so suddenly (example #1). Then I told him if he decided he wanted to do that to me then...he interrupted....you would get revenge. (Unfortunately that has been a big thing for me. I try not to get mad these days, i get even. Thats not the way to go if your in a relationship; communication). I told him it wouldnt be anything like that. I would just make a fake date and put it on FACEBOOK. If i really wanted to be evil I would have told him to come to the movies the same day i had the "fake date" and show him that im having fun and enjoying myself. But im learning and I would never do such a thing now. He doesnt know but I would take it and i would soon enough get over it and move on.... But because he doesnt know that he said if he was to tell me something like that then I would take it serious and I would actually go on a date. Well he knows, or he thinks he knows, that i would do something like that (example #2). When it was all over and our argument was finish, it was time for me to get off; 12:02. He said it was time to hang up so he told me to say bye. I said bye and i sat there thinking he would hang up. A minute later he answers, "That's what I thought." That should have been a sign to let me know he was just playing. But i was mad, and I wasnt thinking straight. I blow it off and say whatever but he trys me again, "I thought you were going to hang up?" I said I will so he says again, "well hang up..." I yelled at him, "BYE!" -and hung up. He called back (example #3), "Why did you hang up on me?" "You told me to do it!" Everything was circling the drain from there. When he called back he could tell thier was something wrong with me. He said he would hear it in my voice. I tried so hard to change it and I tried so hard to cover myself but he knows me so well. It got quiet after i didnt tell him anything. My answer was always, "Im fine baby, there's nothing wrong." "I know your fine, I want to know whats wrong." "Nothing sweetie!" We stayed on the phone for 30-45 minutes in complete silence. We finally hung up the right way (not exactly, it lacked emotion). He texted me later that night apologizing for not saying anything the entire time (example #4), but i apologized for doing the same thing and being mad for no real reason (minus 1). He believes that I don't always have to prove a point to him. In all honesty I feel like I do to get my point across. Im competative and I must win so I go to extremes to do so. No one told me you dont have to do that with the ones you love and also the ones who love you more. Its not worth it. To hurt the ones who love you; no one should ever stoop that low. Now he thinks he cares for me to much because he calls back after I hang up on him. He feels like a little b*tch and I don't want that. Thats my man, and he should never feel like that; especially by my hand. I told him if he didnt care as much as he did, we wouldnt be together and we would forever bump heads (this is me explaining myself, minus 2). The last text message i got that night left me speechless and lost. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. Saturday, July 9 1:11am "I hate caring sometimes because sometimes theres things you want to say but you cant. I have to always be the one to reach out and fix things" ...So tell me why that sounds like, wants to be done with this relationship; with me?? I don't want that, i never wanted that, but if thats what he wants, what can I do? (minus 2). Its simple, i have to fix it now (minus 4). This goes against my diva hand book but it goes with my lovers hand book (responsiblkities to love are shared). So what do I say to him? All i know is that I have never seen a real couple function. I grew up hearing my parents late every night arguing, fussing, screaming and shouting at each other every night. Glass was being broken, things were being thrown across the room and thats what I was exposed to. How do real couples settle thier differences? They talk not scream. He knows that because that what his parents did but I don't know how it works. He has so much patients but now he's sick of it. I'm about to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me so far. Its my pain. I either change or I lose him forever (he doesn't know though).... Its time to make a change in my life. I have to learn how to be apart of a real relationship. Step 1.... EXHALE!

A Whole New World

Its almost time for college. A month left and I still dont know what my classes are... i havent attended any orientations or met my teachers. The good news is I've been to the school and i know how the campus looks. Its a D2 school so its not as big as UF, Auburn or UGA! I just hope i have some great professors. Its bad enough that my coach decided she wanted to doop me out of my scholarship and got my mom paying $400 for books. Shes not exactly understanding that being a single mother with 4 kids and on a teachers salary with no child support is soooo not easy!!! But my sister and I did the best we could to find a really good offering school and keep my moms payments to a bare minimum if possible. I didnt pick the best school, just the closes but i see now that its not worth being close if my moms life is going to be complicated and finances are going to be a pain in my butt.

On top of all that, theres the love of my life. Jamal, he's been there for me for the longest. We actually met on a friendly trip to Orlando, Florida. The funny thing is, me and a few friends were actually "babysitting" him and his friends. LOL yes he's younger than me, about two years younger. He was cute to me but it was a bawby cute and i couldnt see myself dating him un a million years. So i told him we would stay friends and be cool and he could even say hey to me in the hallway; his sister didnt even let him do that much, jk. But two years pass and he kept pushing, by now ive had 3 boyfriends and he kept asking even when i was taken. i said yes to him just to see how it goes and its been almost a year so far. i havent let go yet and neithr has he. Funny isnt it... I got love for him like no other. I feel like i couldnt ask for anythning more but our relationship is finally being put to the real test. We havent seen each other since we started dating and now im going to college. Who knows whats going to happen now... I DO! I stay faithful no matter how many college boys are around. Plus he's built anyways so whats there to look at. He'll come see me every other weekend and we can hang out every time. Thats how cool our relationship is....

Other thing is, i have to start growing up now. Im the type of person whos still into Disney movies and rainbows. Im not the pony kind of person. But my plan is to keep all that with me but store it in a box so i can go get it when its time to be a child again. Thats what jamal does for me. He shows me its ok for me to be a kid and we can always have fun. Even if we want to be 13 with a drivers and legal to be in a club. Neither of us drink or smoke so we dont have to worry about those rules!

Well until next time...the first day of school...have a bless and safe day bloggers. And remember, theres nothing like a diva who can ball out! ;)